Dear Aunt Katie,
I can never seem to find a good matching pair of socks. I mean,
sometimes one sock will be less white than the other, and that just
won't do! I'm worried that somebody will make fun if my lack of
color coordination. If somebody found out, I'd probably never live
it down. What can I do to ensure that each time I put on socks they
match perfectly? Should I make a chart, or what? This is kind of
hard for me to figure out myself, and I thought your infinite wisdom
could help me with my plea. Looking forward to an answer.
What is wrong with you? Obviously, you are going about this the
wrong way. Instead of trying to match everything up perfectly, just
put on whatever you feel like. Take me; I put on purple socks with
green socks, red socks with brown socks, whatever I want when the
mood sets in. Does anybody complain? No, because they would never
dare. Nobody cares anyway. They all think I drink too much, but I'll
drink however much I want, no matter what time of the day it is. You
know what, Tom? Just wear one sock. That way, there is no risk that
the other will not match.
Dear Aunt Katie,
My boyfriend doesn't want to do anything. Like, he won't help me rob
a bank, he won't go cliff diving; I don't know what to do with him.
How can I make him do stuff with me? It hurts my feelings that he
isn't even willing to steal candy from a baby. Just what kind of
relationship does he, like, want this to be if we can't have any
fun? The movies told me it's supposed to be this way, and they're
always right. I'm ready to leave him, unless you can stop me.
You know what you need? A stiff drink. I would drink more of the
alcoholic stuff if I didn't think I should have more blood than wine
in my system. If you drink enough of it, you might forget that your
boyfriend is not a wanted criminal. OK, OK, we'll be serious. Start
things off slowly with him. Ask him to trip an old lady at church.
Maybe a prank call would be more his thing. Keep looking, and I'm
sure he'll become a boyfriend right out of a Hollywood blockbuster.
Hey Aunt Katie,
I dropped my cell phone in the toilet! I don't want to touch the
water, so I've been trying to get it out with lots of things. A
shoe, a stick, but nothing seems to work. Even if I do get it out, I
don't know how to clean it! Who wants to talk on a phone with toilet
germs all over it? Help! It's just floating there and sooner or
later I'm going to have to use the toilet.
I'm not sure I even want to know how you managed to do that. All I
can suggest is bribing the next person who visits your home, and get
them to do it for you. Then you can put it in the dishwasher so it
will be nice and clean.
Do YOU have a problem you'd like answering?
Email us at email@example.com and when she's sobered up we'll ask
her to solve your problem!
Copyright The Sunday Smut 2009